Being Selfish

Dear Diary,

What do you do when everything seems to be falling apart around you? No matter how hard I try and sticky tape everything together it just doesn’t seem to work. Nothing seems to hold it in place. The cracks are still so ever present.

I have finally started to try and do things that make me happy. But it just seems to make everyone else around me unhappy. I can’t seem to win. I want to be selfish. I don’t care how bad that sounds. Sometimes it’s good for you. Good for me. I need to make time to do things in life that I want to. And I make no apologises for that. But yet I’m always saying sorry. Sorry for being me. Why?

I thought things were going good for me. I finally had a plan for what I wanted to do with my life. I am going to move overseas. Somewhere warm preferably. Somewhere where the people are nice. Somewhere other than here. Just away. It isn’t a perfect plan. Far from it. But it’s something. Though being myself isn’t easy. I am constantly met with road blocks. By those I thought would be by my side holding my hand. Instead they are simply holding me back.

I simply want friends that will be there for me when I need them. Even when I don’t say a word. A simple ‘Hey, how are you going?’ would be so fucking nice. But I don’t get that. I get excuses. I get everyone else’s burdens placed on me. I get ignored. I get ‘Hey, guess what happened with me today?’… ‘What do I do about this?’… I get fucking used.

And I allow it. Because I simply want everyone to be happy. To feel heard. To have someone to be there for them. But when I’m facing problems in my life no one seems to be there. And when I try to start voicing how I’m feeling… I end up being the one who apologises. It’s messed up.

And I’m fucking over it.

So guess what? I’m going to be selfish. And ain’t no body going to be holding me back. Because whether it makes anyone else happy or not doesn’t matter. What matters is how it makes me feel. And doing this… doing what I have always wanted… is making me happy. Genuinely happy. And excited. I haven’t been this excited in so long.

Yes, I know it isn’t going to be easy. And I know it will take time to get there. And yes, I will probably fall down a few times trying to get there but that’s okay. Shit happens and we learn from it. If I have to say goodbye to a few ‘friends’ to get there then I’m okay with that. I’m okay to let go of things so that I can finally be me.

So here’s to me. Here is to endless possibilities and wherever that may take me. Here is to the great world that I can’t wait to see. Here is to the chance of love and pure happiness.

Here is to finally getting the chance to be free.

With selfishness, Sticky Girl x

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