Loving someone is possibly the hardest thing to do. You balance a tricky line of whether you love them too much or not enough. I always believed that. That love was never equal. That in relationships, relationships of all types, there was the loved and the lover. Two people trying to find a balance but never quite finding it.
I was always a lover.
I mean I know I’m loved. Deeply and immensely by all those I hold to dear to me. But I could never fathom how someone could love me as much as I loved them. But I always knew… know that I am loved back. In whatever degree that was. And that’s okay with me. I understood this.
But what happens when the scales of love break? When there is no balance? But instead a lover and a user.
My darling, crazy, moody, loyal, and beautiful older sister is also a lover. But she only ever falls for the broken. The ‘fixable’. She use to say to me “I always liked the bad boys. They make me feel needed.” There is so much wrong with that that I don’t even know where to start. Being needed is not the same as being loved. I thought she would have learnt that by now.
Isn’t getting your heart broken suppose to make you careful the next time round?
I am a careful lover. But my sister, Lani, loved without boundaries. She recklessly fell in love. But never with the right man. It’s a beautiful flaw that I can’t help but hate. For what hurts her… hurts her son… hurts my mother… hurts my other sister… which hurts me. It’s a cycle of pain that we all share but can’t break without breaking Lani.
Family bond. It’s a love like no other.
So… when Lani started to date this guy. I was worried. I knew the kind of person he was. An abuser, a drunk, and a drug user. But he convinced her that he was a changed man. That it was a thing of his past. That it was all his ex’s fault. She pushed him to be that person. He could never be that way with Lani. He ‘loved’ her too much. Lani was different, he would say. Lani believed it.
I did not.
I tried to warn her. I really did. I told her to be careful. That she deserved so much more. That her son deserved so much more. I told her that he wasn’t good enough for her. He wasn’t good enough for anyone. I tried to tell her that it was better to be alone than to settle for a guy like that.
But Lani simply wanted to be loved.
I wish I was wrong about him. I really do. Because I just want her to be happy. But I was right. Slowly his true colours started to come out. First it was the drinking. Then it was the arguments. The emotional abuse. The abuse she won’t admit to. But he made her doubt her worth. Belittled her. And then finally came the drug use.
I wish I could say this is the first time a guy abused Lani in this way. But it’s not. What I can hope though is that it’s the last.
When they finally broke up… when everything blew up. I was secretly happy. Ecstatic. He was gone. And she was hurt but she wasn’t broken.
And then came the hard part. I’m not suppose to know. I haven’t even breathed a word of it to anyone. Until now. I can’t keep it to myself. It’s eating away at me. I don’t know how to help. I don’t know how to protect her from this. To protect my nephew from this. You’re the only one I can trust with this secret.
Lani is pregnant.
I should be happy for her. Having another child was not something I thought would happen for her. She has always struggled. Had so many health problems. But she is pregnant to that disgrace of a human being. I still have no idea what she is going to do. I think she wants to keep the baby. It might be her last chance to have another one. But I can’t help but think why him?
I don’t want to loose my sister to a life of abuse. My mother barely escaped. How will Lani?
I know Lani never understood the difference between loving and needing. But what she doesn’t know is that she is loved. It might not be in the way she always imagined. But every second of every day she is loved.
I just hope she realises that before it’s too late.
With love, Sticky Girl x